Don't Tell Me How it Ends
by arysa13
Summary: Bellamy can see how people will die, but he can't stop them from dying.
**Someone told me to write more angst so blame them**

 **Second last fic in my two week challenge**

* * *

He still worries, even though he knows.

He's seen it a million times in his mind. Sometimes when he looks at Octavia, he lets himself see the vision, making sure it hasn't changed. It never has.

She's old in the vision, laying outside in the sunshine. It confused him at first, back when they were on the ark, but he understood once they were sent to earth.

It's peaceful and beautiful. She gently slips away, calm and happy. Bellamy knows he'll be long gone by then. (Not that he can see his own death. But it's just something he knows.)

But he still worries about her. (What if the vision is wrong this time?)

The visions aren't always as pleasant as Octavia's, so he's learnt to block them out. It's hard to see so much death as a kid. It's hard to see visions of your mother being thrust into space, knowing it could happen any time. She never believed him, of course.

It's easy for him to control now, mostly. He doesn't need to know how every person he meets is going to die.

But when he first sees Clarke, the vision hits him with the force of a meteor. He can't block it out no matter how hard he tries. And it haunts him from then on. Not because her death is particularly violent. No, Clarke goes with a simple arrow through the chest, straight to the heart. But she's just so _young._ She can't be much older in the vision than she is now, though something in her eyes says she's seen a lot. Her hair is shorter in the vision, and her clothes are worn, and he doesn't know what any of it means but he somehow he knows that it's going to cause him incurable heartache, and he doesn't even know her yet. He makes a note not to get close to her.

It's easy for a while, he only has to be an asshole. But Clarke Griffin is a force of nature and he could no more keep her out of his life than he could stop the vision of her dying when he first saw her.

He never tells her, of course. Like he never tells Octavia. People don't really want to know how and when they're going to die. Some people think they do, but they're wrong.

So once he knows he loves her, he does everything in his power to protect her. He knows it's inevitable. He's never been able to stop someone's death before, and he knows deep down this time won't be any different. But he has to _try._

Every time they're separated he can feel this thudding in his head, telling him this is it. _You won't see her again_.

But somehow, he comes back to her. He finds her, they meet again, time after time and he keeps wondering how the hell he continues to let her get away, even though he knows his time with her is limited. He should tell her he loves her. Instead he begs her to stay. Tells her they'll meet again. Commands her to come home. Tries to hold her against her will. It's not sane, he knows. But it's still hard to admit he loves her so much when he knows he's only going to lose her.

* * *

Somehow, _somehow,_ the war ends. Bellamy kind of thought they'd never stop fighting. And they had to bury so many more people before it happened, but at least Ontari was one of them and Alie's gone and they finally feel like they can rest easy. For a while at least. And Bellamy feels like he'll spend the rest of his life trying to redeem himself for his mistakes, but at the same time he's not really sure he deserves to be redeemed. He says as much to Clarke, when he's apologising, though he doesn't expect to be forgiven. It's going to take years for Octavia to ever forgive him. But Clarke grabs him by the shoulders and stares into his soul.

"You're already forgiven," she tells him. "You don't need to be redeemed. You didn't know any of this would happen. None of us can tell the future, Bellamy, we're all just trying to do our best. I've forgiven you, and hope that you can forgive me."

Her hair is shorter now, clean, and he knows it's coming. Knows any day could be her last.

"It's already done," he chokes, and she kisses him then and he's so surprised he almost forgets to kiss her back. "Clarke, I…" he starts.

"You don't have to say it, Bellamy," Clarke assures him. "I know." He has to say it though, because even if she knows, it's not quite real until he says it.

"I love you," he says anyway, and Clarke smiles, tears welling in her eyes.

"And I love you," she declares, and Bellamy has never felt so happy and so distraught at the same time.

In the name of honesty, Bellamy feels he has to tell her about his ability. The curse he carries around with him. They've been through too much for him to hold back now. He takes her for a walk, just a casual stroll in the sun, towards the glistening lake, like he hasn't seen death in every corner every day of his life. He takes her hand, the comforting pressure of her fingers entwined with his calms him enough for him to get the words out.

"There's something I've never told you," he says slowly, not looking at her just yet. He feels her stiffen beside him and he knows that wasn't a good opener. He's not sure there is one for this situation though.

"What is it?" Clarke asks. Bellamy hesitates.

"Ever since I was little… I can see how people will die," he confesses, risking a glance at her. Her face is ghostly white, but at least he can tell she believes him. "I can mostly stop it if I want to. So… I never knew… about Lincoln. About Wells. Finn, Lexa. Any of that." Clarke nods.

"It must be hard," she says squeezing his hand. They reach the lake and sit down in the stones by the water's edge.

"Yeah," he agrees. "But I know Octavia is going to be okay, at least." He wants to tell her he knows how she goes. That they don't have much time, but he can't seem to formulate the words. He can't bear to think that he won't be able to hold her hand forever. That she won't always be there to talk to. That she'll be gone and he'll be left behind. She seems to sense it though and she gives him a sad smile.

"You've seen my death, haven't you?" she guesses. Bellamy gives a short nod.

"The first time I saw you on the dropship," he tells her. "I didn't know then…" he trails off. "What you'd mean to me." he finishes after a long pause.

"It's okay, Bellamy," Clarke whispers. "It's not your fault. I have to go sometime."

"But-," Bellamy starts.

"Bellamy, don't," Clarke pleads.

"Don't what?" he asks.

"Just… don't tell me how it ends, okay?" she whispers hoarsely. Bellamy nods. "Let's just enjoy the time we have."

"Okay," Bellamy agrees, and he kisses her then, because he knows from now on that each time he does, it might be the last time.

* * *

In the end, it's not even a grounder that kills Clarke. He doesn't get to hunt down her killer for retribution, so he can have some kind of closure. It's a dumb stray arrow that some dumb kid fires, trying to hit a deer. It's incomprehensible, even though he's spent so long on edge, waiting for it to happen. And in the end, he has to tell the kid, "it's not your fault" and "these things happen" even though he wants to scream at the injustice of it all. He wishes he hadn't wasted so much time being angry. He wishes he could go back and make the right choices.

They bury her next to Wells, and Bellamy hopes they can both find peace wherever they are now. Kane gives a speech that Abby sobs the whole way through, but Bellamy can't bring himself to say anything until he's alone at her grave.

"Thanks for seeing the good in me," he tells her, and maybe he doesn't really believe in spirits or heaven or an afterlife, but he hopes she can hear him. "Thanks for forgiving me even though I probably didn't deserve it." He sighs, and he thinks about everything they went through together. He lets the tears spill from his eyes then, now that he's alone with her.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you," he sobs. "I'm sorry I couldn't save any of them. I promise I'll do better from now on. For you. I love you. May we meet again."

He gets up and brushes himself off because he knows he would probably stay there all night if he let himself keep talking. He's pretty sure he'll be back though. He doesn't want her to miss anything.

"Hey, big brother," Bellamy looks up to see Octavia looking at him, her arms folded, her expression a little hesitant.

"Hey," Bellamy croaks. It's probably the first time she's looked at him with anything but contempt for months now.

"Everyone's going to gather around the campfire pit tonight to tell stories about Clarke," she informs him. "I thought you might like to come." Bellamy nods. Octavia walks over to him, and puts her arms around him. "I'm so sorry," she murmurs into his shoulder.

"Me too," he whispers hoarsely. They walk back to Arkadia together, hand in hand, and Bellamy lets his guard down, lets himself see Octavia as an old woman, slipping away peacefully in the sunshine. He could tell her, of course, that everything's going to be okay. But he's pretty sure that like him, she won't want to know how it ends.


End file.
